Nothingness
by Belisse
Summary: [COMPLETE]Answer to many challenges in the SGAHC list, John returns to Atlantis and finds things slighly different.


**Title: Nothingness (because I can't think of a better name)**

**Season: 2**

**Pairing: None**

**Genre: Humor**

**Warning: Really mild sexual situations. I swear, they are mild.**

**Rating: PG-13**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I wish I did. **

**Author's notes: This fic answers many of the challenges on SGAHC, first start with the line, _"So, what exactly were you two doing that got you in this position?"_ , _"Don't forget I've seen you naked" _and _"I just wanted to tell you you have the most beautiful..."_**

**I don't know if this fits, but I'll try my best with this fic, It's a bit random, you're warned. Because as of now there are no bunnies around. All I have is a weak bunny that nibbled at me last night and I decided to give it a shot. **

**To those waiting for the last chapter of MIA, my beta has been really busy, but i expect to have it in the next couple of days. Sorry about that.**

**Enjoy**

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"So, what exactly were you two doing that got you in this position?" Rodney stared at John and Elizabeth waiting for the answer. But all the got was weird glances between John and Elizabeth. "Ok, don't tell me anything. I'll just close the door and leave you here until someone else finds you." Rodney moved to close the door, when he heard a shout.

"Wait, don't close it. Please, just help us get out."

Rodney eyed them suspiciously, "What happened?"

John and Elizabeth tried to move from their confined space, but with no success. Elizabeth turned her head and looked at Rodney, "John has something of mine, and I want it back! I tried to take it from him, but one thing led to the other. He hid here, I followed, we struggled and now we're stuck. Because as you can see, this closet is really narrow."

Rodney smiled and offered his hand to Elizabeth, she grabbed it and he managed to pull her out.

With the movement, John ended up in the floor but he managed to place a picture in one of the pockets of his jacket. Then he quickly stood up and faced Rodney, "Thanks." Then John turned and found Elizabeth, her face all red, her eyes glaring."John give it to me, NOW!"

Rodney frowned and turned to leave, "That sounded so wrong, in so many levels."

John smirked and then faced Elizabeth, who was still shooting glares at him. Then he did the most manly thing to do, he ran.

But, wait right there. You still don't know what happened, so let's rewind. And go to the moment where all this mess began. On an off world mission...

Nothingness, he really didn't know how he got there, but all John Sheppard remembered was that the night before had been filled with heavy drinking. The team had stayed on the village, when they all became friendly the alcohol was brought out. _Damned alcohol and all its properties. _That was all John could think about, and the fact that he had blacked out and had no idea how he had walked to the gate. But they were on their way back home, so he didn't minded it.

It was in this moment that he noticed that Teyla and Ronon were eying each other in a very weird way. And that Rodney was completely silent. It was creepy, but John dismissed it as a hangover thing.

Once finally by the gate, Rodney activated it and they all went through. Once John stepped in Atlantis, he knew they must have dialed to the wrong city. Elizabeth met them by the gate, wearing the skimpiest outfit John had ever seen. Her barely there blouse was a white sleeveless top and the world shortest black skirt. John felt like looking somewhere else. But his eyes just stared. She smiled at them, "Welcome back, the debriefing will be in two hours."

The team nodded and started to walk away, but then John heard Elizabeth's voice, "Colonel, a word please." John nodded and Elizabeth turned to walk up the stairs. There John noticed that Elizabeth's shirt was just the front, as her back side were covered by two white threads connecting the blouse where a bra should have been. Giving John the obvious statement that this can't be Elizabeth. But he obediently followed her, but instead of going to her office, she headed to the briefing room.

Once inside, she turned and stared at him. John frowned, "Is something wrong?"

The doors suddenly closed and Elizabeth closed in on John, "Yes, John. You've been gone for way too long." Then on a swift movement, Elizabeth kissed John very passionately.

John was in shock for a couple of seconds, when he finally reacted, he pushed Elizabeth away. "What are you doing?"

Elizabeth eyed him seductively, "What? You didn't liked it?"

John frowned and tried to come up with a coherent answer, "No.. uh yeah.. ummm no, we're not supposed to be doing this."

Elizabeth placed a hand on his cheek and started tracing his lips with her thumb, "I know, just wait until I show you what I planned for you this evening."

John started to back away from this temptress version of Elizabeth. She followed him, John gave her a weak smile, "I don't know what happened here Elizabeth..."

Then she cut him off, "Liz, call me Liz."

"Liz... right. Uhmm, I have stuff to do. Maybe I'll see you later." John felt the door on his back, but it didn't open.

Elizabeth kept on moving towards him and smiled, "I just wanted to tell you you have the most beautiful chest in all of Atlantis. I mean Ronon is not so bad to look at, but you're just..." Then she followed to massage his chest.

John panicked, this is not the Elizabeth he knows. John started looking around for the right button to open the door. Then he finally found it and almost ran out of the room.

As he went through the corridors, he noticed some very strange things. The women, all of them were wearing skimpy clothes. Some where wearing shorts, other skirts, but all in the most revealing way. The men, were standing all around as if they were merchandise for the women to pick up. John walked out to the balcony and looked down at the city. Then he saw that down at the piers, were a bunch of people. The women all wearing two piece bikinis and the he saw Major Lorne wearing a speedo, showing off his swimming skills to the women.

How in hell John ever got to this over sexed version of Atlantis, he might never find out. But one thing he knew, the rest of the team, must be just like him. At least they were all away, while the change happened. But then he spent the rest of the afternoon looking for them. When he finally gave up, he headed to his room and threw himself on the bed. There he started to fall asleep, when someone fell on top of him. John opened his eyes and saw Elizabeth straddling him, while opening his pants.

In one swift movement, John pushed Elizabeth to the side and he got off the bed, "What are you doing?"

Elizabeth, gave him a sexy smile, "I told you I had prepared something for you. Don't forget, I've seen you naked and I know exactly what I want from you."

Alarms of every kind went off in John's brains. With that thought, he walked out... no he ran out of his room. His new mission, find Rodney and figure out what the hell is going on. John doubted that he would find Rodney in the lab, but he had to try something. Once there, he opened the door and found a really disturbed Rodney McKay. "Rodney! Where the hell have you been?"

Rodney seemed to snap out of his trance like state and looked at John, "Ummm, I don't know."

John frowned, "What's going on here?"

"I don't know. All I know is that I walked in the lab and I found..." Rodney shook his head and was silent for a moment.

John was beginning to feel worried for his friend, "What happened?"

Rodney scratched his head and faced John, "I found Kavanaugh and Simpson having sex in this lab."

John's eyes opened wide, "Well, I almost got raped by Elizabeth."

Rodney gave John a doubtful look, "You... raped by Elizabeth?"

"I know it sounds weird, but she jumped on me while I was trying to fall asleep!"

Rodney crossed his arms around his chest, "What should we do?"

John's mind was racing, "Maybe, we should stay on public areas... just for safety."

Rodney nodded, and headed for the door. John suddenly stopped and asked, "Wait, what about Ronon and Teyla?"

Rodney shook his head, "They must be ok."

John frowned, "Why?"

Rodney turned,"Well, I saw them a while ago and I asked them about doing something. But these were Teyla's words and I quote, "Not now Rodney, we're going to be having some hot sex.""

John couldn't believe it, "What!"

Rodney, turned and headed for the door, "Come one, they're better without us."

John couldn't fathom, what the hell was going on in the city. Maybe some alien take over, a bad side effect to traded food. A sickness... but what kind of sickness made everyone behave the way they were behaving. With that in mind they made their way to the Mess hall, John was grateful to find it packed. He knew that no matter what Elizabeth might still have some restrain and not jump on him in here.

Once inside, John noticed that the place looked like a circus. He made his way to the nearest table and sat down. There he looked around and saw Elizabeth walk in. He cringed, he really didn't wanted to deal with this now. But she sat on a chair across the hall, but right in his line of sight. She never took her eyes off him, then after a full minute of staring she crossed her legs Basic Instinct style.

John was just speechless, he couldn't believe the madness he was in. He saw Elizabeth smile at him seductively. Then John saw a group of soldiers and scientist taking pictures of the group, with an instant picture camera. He turned around and faced the giggly girl holding the camera, "Can I borrow that?"

The girl winked at him and handed the camera, "Of course darling."

John tried to muster a smile and turned towards Elizabeth. Somehow, this was too good to pass, and if someday things went back to normal. A picture was a good blackmail item. So, he smiled at Elizabeth and threw her a kiss, then prepared the camera. Elizabeth seeing that John wanted to take a picture of her, posed and her pose reminded John of the wild poses from that Paris Hilton gal. Then he threw the picture, took it out and returned the camera. John waited for the picture to appear, he knew that if someday he could find the normal Elizabeth, she would freak out if she saw this picture.

Once the picture was ready, he placed it on the back pocket of his pants. Then he turned to look for Rodney, who had been eerily quiet. But as he turned, he was hit on the face with a food tray. The force of the impact, made him fall on the floor and the next thing he knew was that everyone around him were chanting "Fight!" and that Rodney was starting to beat him.

John tried to cover his face with his hands, but Rodney kept on hitting him. Then Rodney started screaming, "Elizabeth was supposed to want me! ME! Not you!"

John didn't understand Rodney's reaction, but that was his last thought as Rodney grabbed him by the neck and slammed him to the floor. His head hit the floor pretty hard and then all he heard was Rodney shouting, "Sheppard, you bastard! You hear me colonel? Colonel?"

John didn't knew what was more disconcerting, the fact that Rodney was beating him, because he believed that he took Elizabeth from him. Or the fact that he was just drifting in and out of consciousness, then he heard it again, "Colonel!"

John was sure that was Rodney's voice, so he decided to risk it and opened his eyes. To his big surprise, John found himself still on the village, lying on the tent where he crashed after being dead drunk. Rodney was there staring at him, worried, "John, are you ok?"

John frowned and sat up, "You're not hitting me!"

"Of course I'm not hitting you! Are you ok?"

John stood up and found out the pulsating pain in his head, he turned to Rodney, "Remind me to never accept alien alcohol again."

Rodney smirks and replies, "That's what you say every time."

John walked towards the outside, "But this time I really mean it!"

It took them the morning to gather their things and their new goods and walk towards the gate. John felt relaxed by the minute as his mind assimilated that what he lived, never happened. Rodney was back to his snarky self. Ronon was back to normal and Teyla was graceful as always. Not telling everybody that she was going to have sex. John was grateful, maybe someday he'll tell them of his adventure under the influence of the alien rum. Once at the gate, John closed his eyes as he walked in Atlantis. Once in the other side, John opened his eyes and face a very normal looking Elizabeth Weir.

John breathed in relief, she announced that the debriefing will be in two hours and John turned to walk towards his room and get a bit of rest before the briefing. On his way out of the gate room, John pulled up his pants and felt something on his back pocket. He took it out and stared at it. He was holding the picture of a very sexy looking Elizabeth Weir, then before he could react, John heard Elizabeth's voice, "Colonel, are you ok?"

FIN!

A/N: Sorry for the weirdness. Please review!


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